Why is the US focused on Iran so much right now? I say we focus on the real threat: Greenland. That’s right — Greenland.

Why nuke the poor peace-loving people of Greenland, you might ask. They are not doing anything per se. But they are sitting on a mountain of fresh water locked in their glaciers. And in those glaciers lies the key to temporarily halting global warming.

Nuke Greenland

So we drop a multi-megaton hydrogen bomb over Greenland and detonate it in the air. The heat wave will vaporize some of the ice, but the temperatures will be so hot for miles that much of it will melt (a hydrogen bomb reaches temperatures in excess of 10 million degrees Celsius at the burst point). The melting ice will flow into the ocean as runoff and then proceed to cool down the North Atlantic Deep Water current. The same current was cooled down about 8200 years ago when Lake Agassiz (a giant North American glacial lake 7 times bigger than all the Great Lakes combined) melted and drained into the North Atlantic. That melting event spurred a mini-ice age according to new research.

What about the people of Greenland? Do they deserve to die to cool down the northern hemisphere? Well, there are only 56,000 inhabitants, so we can easily relocate them to more sensible locations like the coastlines of the US. Once this plan is announced, miles of beach-front property will go on the market and will be easily purchased for next to nothing.

As an added benefit, monsoon seasons will be much lighter throughout Asia. All that pesky rain previously used for growing crops and the mosquitoes that pass on malaria will be significantly lessened. This will lead to thousands of lives saved who might have otherwise succumbed to malaria.

Look, Greenland is melting anyway. Do our children deserve to wait decades for it to slowly melt before they get relief from the awful effects of global warming? NO! Nuke Greenland now for our children. Those glaciers and the bears that live on them are the real terrorists.